Guilty
by drumbjo
Summary: One shot - Sookie has an eight-month affair with her married boss, but ends it when she finds out some upsetting news. What happens when she runs into him five years later?


**So I wrote this while in Scotland. It's a one-shot, and came from a random idea I had that didn't seem to fit in anywhere else.**

**Hope you enjoy!**

* * *

><p>"Sookie?"<p>

I froze, briefly, before turning towards the familiar voice. There he was, just as I remembered. If not looking better in the five years since I'd last seen him. He was smiling but had a slightly stunned expression on his face. I couldn't blame him, and I didn't doubt that I had one very similar.

"Eric … hi, how are you?"

"I'm good … yeah. You?"

"Good as well." I didn't know what else to say and I awkwardly looked down and fiddled with the bottom of my t-shirt.

"You look good," he said, drawing my attention back to him, before smiling at the too many 'goods' in our stilted conversation.

"Thanks. So do you."

And he really did. His blond hair was shorter than when I had known him, but it suited him and was probably more fitting his level of responsibility now. He was wearing a pair of expensive looking beige shorts and a short-sleeve pale blue button down shirt. He certainly fitted in with the look of this exclusive area just south of Los Angeles, with his shades resting on his head and his golden tan.

"It's been five years," he said, stating the obvious.

"Yeah. Over, I think."

I probably could have pinned it down to the day, and I was fairly sure it was five years, three months and a week or so since I had walked away from him. He simply nodded, his eyes fixed on me as he did so.

"I … um … I need to …"

This was hard. I had often fantasized what would happen if I ever saw Eric Northman again, but on no occasion did it ever turn out like this. I would always know what to say, and I'd make him realise how much he missed me before I turned and walked off with my even better looking boyfriend or husband.

I looked down and fiddled with my purse, begging my cell to ring for some excuse to get me the hell out of there. I was probably going to have to call my therapist again.

But I didn't need to find the distraction, as Eric provided one. And the perfect one that made me remember why we split.

"Daddy!"

I looked past Eric to see a blonde girl with a high ponytail and cute red and white checked dress running towards him. She stopped just behind him, taking his left hand in both of hers and peering at me shyly around his thigh. Eric gave me one last look that I couldn't quite understand, and bent down onto one knee to listen her.

"You okay, honey?"

The little girl was a clone of him. There would have been absolutely no hesitation that this girl was his daughter. She had the same colour hair as him and his perfectly piercing blue eyes. She also seemed to have his smile and his nose and his dimples. I wondered whether she had any features of her mom at all, as she really did seem to be a carbon copy of her dad.

"Who's she?" the girl asked, pointing at me and drawing the spotlight back onto where I was standing. I felt about five inches tall under this girl's gaze.

Eric sighed and stood up with the girl in his arms. "This is Sookie, a friend of mine." His possessive pronoun didn't go unmissed, and in another circumstance, I may have argued against it, but I couldn't when his daughter was here. "Say hello," he prompted.

"Hello, Sookie."

I gave my best smile to the child. "Nice to meet you. And what's your name?"

"Isabel," she told me proudly.

"That's a pretty name."

I was normally good with kids, but I just found this uncomfortable. My brother Jason had three kids with his wife Crystal, and I was at the park on babysitting duties for Amelia's two sons, and staying with them while her husband was taking her away for a much-needed long weekend. I looked over at said kids to make sure they weren't causing too much havoc on the climbing frame, but all seemed okay.

"Are you going to go and play with the other children?" Eric asked his daughter, and I found myself hoping that she wouldn't, and give me an out.

"Okay!" she exclaimed as he put her down again and she ran back in the direction she came from.

"She's cute," I said to break the uncomfortable silence between us. "She looks just like you."

"Thanks, and most people say that." I could see the pride in him as he talked about his daughter.

"Any others?"

"No, just her." He paused briefly. "Look, Sookie, I …"

"Don't," I said, cutting him off.

"Sookie …"

"No. Please don't." I begged him silently to not continue where he was going.

"We need to talk."

"No, we don't."

"I need to explain …"

"There is nothing to explain," I snapped back. I didn't miss the hurt look on his face.

"Sookie!" a child called from across the park and I saw Amelia's elder son Chris waving at me.

"Yours?" Eric asked me, surprise in his voice.

"No, a friend's." I stared at him for a moment longer before turning back to the kids. "Excuse me," I said to him, not meeting his eyes and effectively ending our conversation. "It was good to see you. I hope you're all well."

I didn't give him chance to reply and instead took off running in the direction of Chris. It turned out that his younger brother James had fallen over and grazed his knee. After checking there were no broken bones or anything more serious, I helped a crying James to the car, strapped both kids in and drove them back to Amelia's large suburban house without looking back. I was definitely going to be getting both kids extra-big Christmas presents this year for getting me out of that one.

For the rest of the afternoon, and after I had cleaned and put a SpongeBob band aid on James' knee, we played video games before I cooked them both dinner and put them to bed.

"You are a godsend," Amelia told me when she and Tray got home around nine-thirty. "I hope they haven't run too many rings around you?"

"No, they've been fine, honest." I was aware how unconvincing I sounded.

Amelia gave me a knowing look, before going to check in on the boys. Tray, who had driven several hundred miles, excused himself to bed as he had to get up early the next morning but Amelia came back and joined me after grabbing a bottle of white wine from the fridge and two large glasses.

"Alright, spill." She always could read me like a book, and ever since we first became friends at five years old, I'd never been able to keep a secret from her.

"It's nothing. It doesn't matter."

"Bullshit. Tell me."

I sighed and took a large slurp of wine. "I ran into Eric at the park."

"As is Married Eric?"

"The very one."

"Wow. Shouldn't he still be in Shreveport?"

"I'd have thought so." In truth, I had no idea what Eric was doing in Orange County, but considering his daughter was here, I could only assume that maybe he lived here now.

"What happened?"

I shrugged. "Nothing much. We exchanged pleasantries and he introduced me to his beautiful daughter. Then James fell over and grazed his knee and I took them home."

"That was all?" she gave me a knowing look.

"He tried to talk about what happened, but I figured it was best to not go there."

"You're probably right."

I hadn't told Amelia about Eric while I was seeing him, as I knew how disappointed with me she would have been. Amelia's own mom had run off with another man when she was only little, so she had high moral values when it came to the sanctity of marriage. Instead, I only told her of my eight-month affair once it was over. To say that she wasn't impressed with me was an understatement, and she seemed to channel my dead grandmother in the way she scolded me for being so selfish and stupid.

"Is he still married?" she asked, drawing me from my thoughts.

"Yes." I had taken a look at his left hand while he was holding his daughter, and the wedding band was very much still in place.

"You did the right thing, Sookie."

"I know. But that doesn't make it hurt any less."

"He wasn't yours in the first place," she gently informed me. I didn't answer, but instead a traitorous tear made its way down my cheek. "Hey, come on." Amelia moved to join me on the sofa and wrapped an arm around me.

It may have been over five years since I'd last seen him, but that hadn't changed the way I felt about him, and no man I had dated in the meantime came close to measuring up. I guess it was true what they said about all the best men were married or gay, as the greatest other man I had met was my gay BFF in New York, Lafayette, but I lacked the essential equipment for him.

.

_Five years, three months and a week or so earlier …_

.

"Oh my god, Sookie. You missed the gossip yesterday!"

I hadn't even had the chance to turn my computer on before Arlene was on me and sprawling in the chair the other side of my desk. I'd had a day off the day before, and Arlene was the one who filled in my job as legal secretary to lawyer Eric Northman when I wasn't around. But knowing what the gossip would be like if they knew Eric had been having an affair – let alone with me – I was a little bit nervous about what Arlene had to say.

"What gossip?"

"The boss-man's wife came in yesterday to see him in his office." That itself was unusual, as none of us had ever met Pam before. I had seen her in pictures, and she was completely beautiful: petite and slim, with long, straight blonde hair, blue eyes and a perfect nose. In many ways I was glad that I hadn't met her, as I wasn't sure I could keep the guilt away and I was convinced I would have a neon sign over my head that read 'yes, I'm having an affair with your husband'.

"And?" I asked nonchalantly as I pulled my pen and stapler from my desk drawer.

Arlene leaned in closer. "Well, I shouldn't have heard this, but she told him that she was pregnant."

It was a kick to the stomach and I felt like I was going to pass out. I hoped that I hadn't paled too much, but luckily Arlene didn't seem to notice my reaction and carried on babbling about what it all meant and how beautiful the kid would be. All I could think about was that it meant he wasn't going to leave his wife now. And he had promised he would, on many an occasion. But now, how could he? And more to the point, I wasn't going to let him. In fact, as Arlene sat there babbling at me, I knew I what I had to do.

"Sook, you okay?" Arlene asked when she'd finally stopped talking.

"Um, yeah. Cramps."

"Poor thing. Do you have painkillers?"

"Plenty, thanks."

I made a show of waving some aspirin at her, and she left my office with a grin as Eric approached from the other direction.

"Morning, Sookie. Good day off?"

"Um … great. Thanks." I couldn't meet his eyes, and focused on my computer in front of me.

This was normally the limit of our interactions in the office. I was his secretary, so we discussed work, and he gave me assignments, but we never risked being caught together in the office. Let's just say we'd seen too many TV shows to know that it never works.

"Are you okay? You look a little pale."

"I'm fine, cramps." I gave him the same line as the others, but he knew as well as I did that I was on the contraceptive shot so didn't get periods. The look he gave me was therefore worried. He mouthed a 'later' at me and I went back to the papers on my desk.

I had severely struggled with working that day, and more than a few times found myself drifting off and cursing Pam for ending up pregnant. I hadn't known they were trying for kids, and Eric certainly hadn't given me any indication that they wanted them. Pam worked all hours as a doctor in the local emergency room, and was apparently committed to her job. Something raising a child didn't work well with.

I left the office as normal at five and made my way through the rush-hour traffic back to my apartment. Eric had a key, and only half an hour later, he arrived at my door.

"Hey," he said with a smile as he came up to me and kissed me on the cheek. I was sitting at the small kitchen table, but I didn't wrap my arms around him as I normally did. "What is it?" He sat down next to me and studied my face. "Sookie?"

"Do you have something to tell me?"

He looked confused. "What? No. What do you mean?"

I swallowed thickly. "About Pam being pregnant."

His face dropped and he paled a little this time. "How do you know?" he whispered.

"Arlene. You know she has supersensitive hearing." It was well known that nothing could be kept from Arlene. The fact that Eric and I had kept our affair secret was an achievement in itself.

He ran his hand through his hair in the manner he always did when he was stressed. "I … I only found out myself yesterday. She's three months along and had kept it secret from me until she'd passed her first trimester. She came to see me after her first scan."

"Okay," I whispered, willing myself not to cry.

"The pregnancy wasn't planned, Sook. And I was going to tell you, I just needed some time to process this myself before I told you."

I didn't say anything and simply stared at my hands. I felt a tear leak from my eye, and I held my breath in order not to sniffle. When I was suffering from lack of oxygen, I had no option but to take a large gulp of air, which drew Eric's attention to the fact that I was crying.

"Hey," he said, taking my face in his large hands and wiping the tears from my eyes using his thumbs. "This doesn't change anything, do you hear me? I love you, Sookie."

I only cried harder at his declaration of love. I knew that I absolutely loved him, and I didn't doubt that he loved me as well. But no matter what Eric said, this did change it.

"I love you, too," I whispered between my sobs.

"Then why the tears?"

"Because we have to end this."

"What? No!" he seemed almost outraged that I would make such a suggestion.

"We do. Eric, you're going to be a father. I can't … I won't break up your family."

"Sookie, I will leave her. We don't have to be together to raise this kid."

"You do."

"I will leave her."

"You've said that before," I reminded him gently. I knew all too well that there were probably many men having affairs that told said girlfriend that they would leave their wives, but I knew it also probably rarely happened. It certainly hadn't in the four months or so that Eric had been saying it.

"I've been a coward," he snapped. "But I won't let you end this. I can't be without you. I will fix this, I'll talk to her and explain that I love you." He stood up from the table and pulled me into his arms, hugging me tightly to his body before picking me up and carrying me to my bedroom.

"Eric…"

"No talking."

He proceeded to pull both of our clothes off, and for a few hours, he made me forget everything outside of us making love in my small bedroom. He'd whispered to me how much he loved and adored me, how much he wanted to take care of me and wake up with me every day. But even as he was saying it, I knew more than ever that his words could never be true. As soon as he left later that evening, I sat down at my computer and started looking for other jobs and other apartments. In other cities.

I knew I had to leave Shreveport. In fact, I had to leave Louisiana. It had always been my home, but I couldn't stay. However, I had money in the bank from the sale of my parents' home, so I had the means to leave without being too worried about finances, or at least for the short term.

My parents had died when I was only seven, and my older brother and I had been raised by my Gran. Since Jason had moved into our parents' old house as soon as he turned eighteen, my Gran had given me her house in her will when she died a few years ago. But since Jason had a rapidly expanding family, and the farmhouse was bigger than my parents old place, we agreed that he would sell that house and give me half of the proceeds. In return, I signed half of the farmhouse over to him.

But first thing first: I needed to get out of Shreveport, and quickly as I knew Eric wouldn't let me leave without a fight. I decided looking for jobs could wait, and I instead started packing up all my belongings, dumping them into my car and making the journey to Bon Temps where my brother lived and had some outbuildings that I could leave my stuff in.

The apartment I'd been living in was rented, and although I'd lose out on a month's rent and probably my security deposit, I intended to leave. By the time it was eight the next morning, I had packed up my car with all the things I wanted to take with me, and taken the rest to Jason's, leaving him a note to explain what I had done. I hadn't slept more than an hour, but I was sure that I wouldn't have been able to if I tried.

I turned up to work at my usual time, but rather than going to my desk, I went to the HR department and gave them the written notice to say that I was quitting my job with immediate effect. I knew they were surprised; I'd become quite good friends with Holly who worked there, so she was shocked that I was making such a decision to leave Shreveport. I'd made the excuse that I had a new job offer and they wanted me to start straight away. Of course, they knew as well as I did that this wasn't the case, but I didn't care.

The only problem was that Holly insisted on calling Eric, who as my boss had a right to know that I was quitting and leaving so suddenly.

"Hey, Holly, what can I do for you?" he asked brightly as he walked into the office and looking as incredible as ever in his sharp silver suit, white shirt and pale blue tie that matched his eyes. But his face dropped when he saw me there.

"Sorry to bother you, Mr Northman, but I wanted to let you know that Miss Stackhouse has sadly decided to leave us. Since she is your secretary, do you need her to spend some time briefing one of the other secretaries? I understand that Arlene Fowler had often filled in for Miss Stackhouse."

"Yes, she has," he said after too long a pause. I could see the pain in his eyes, and I stared down at the floor to avoid his gaze. "And I do need her to explain where she is up to."

"Okay. Sookie, I assume you're happy to do that?"

"Sure," I lied.

Holly stood up, and I did the same. She held out her hand to me, and shook it formally. "I wish you all the best with your future career, Miss Stackhouse"

"Thanks," I managed to smile.

Eric opened the door for me and followed me back to our offices so that I didn't have any chance to turn and run. I had some personal effects in my office, but I'd quite happily have left them behind. Once I was inside my office, Eric shut the door behind him and pushed me towards the connecting door and into his.

"Don't go," he begged of me as soon as the door was shut. He placed his forehead against mine and hugged me close to him.

"I have to."

"No, you don't. I don't want you to go. We can work this out. Pam isn't working tonight, I will tell her."

"I have to," I repeated.

Eric turned away from me and ran his hand through his long hair. "Do you want to leave?" his eyes were burning on me.

I shut my eyes and felt a tear trickle down my cheek. "It doesn't matter what I want. We shouldn't have been doing this in the first place. You're married. And now you have a son or daughter on the way."

"It doesn't matter, Sookie. We can make this work!"

"No."

"I won't let you leave."

"You will."

Eric sank to his knees in front of me and rested his head against my stomach. His cheeks were wet from his own tears, and he was hugging my body close to him. "Please," he begged, the pain in his voice palpable. "Please don't go."

"I'm sorry. I don't mean to hurt you Eric, but we never should have done this. My Gran would have been so disappointed in me if she knew I'd had an affair with a married man. I shouldn't have done it."

I placed a hand on his face and wiped his tears away. From somewhere, I was finding some inner strength. I was finally doing the right thing, and I was going to take some pride in that.

"I'm going, Eric."

"Sookie, I love you."

"I know, and I love you, but it doesn't change things."

"It does."

"Goodbye, Eric. You'll be a great dad."

I leant down and kissed him on the top of the head, stepped around him and walked out of the door. It was without doubt the hardest thing I had ever done, but at the same time, the easiest as I knew it was the right thing to do. But I would never forget that image on Eric on his knees with tears on his cheeks as he begged me not to leave.

I took a moment to dry my eyes and correct my make-up before grabbing my personal items and leaving a folder on my desk with a summary I'd written of all the cases I'd started researching, along with anything else that needed to be done or remembered.

"Hey, Sook, what's going on?" Arlene asked as soon as walked out of my office.

"I have a new job?" I said brightly. "So, I just quit."

"You quit?"

"Yeap."

"Well, I guess that explains the sour face on him as you both walked through."

"I guess it does," I said, feeling a little relieved. "Oh … and I've left you a summary of all the cases on my desk."

"Yeah, thanks," Arlene said sarcastically. It was known that Eric was a hard taskmaster, and working for Eric would be much harder work than the current position Arlene was in.

"Good luck," I said with a smile.

All the girls wished me the same, and with one last look at Eric's closed door, I walked out of the building and climbed into my car. I willed my tears away, at least until I was out of the office parking lot, and started driving west in the direction of Orange County. Amelia, who had been my best friend since we were little, had moved there three years earlier with her husband and was the only one I wanted to see. Plus, it was far enough from Louisiana and Eric wouldn't know to find me there. Assuming he looked, that was.

.

**Eric **

"What is it?" Pam asked me after dinner and once Isabel was tucked up in bed. She'd cooked her famous spaghetti carbonara – one of my favourites – but I'd just pushed it around the plate.

I sighed. "It doesn't matter."

"Obviously it does. You're not one to not eat. So spill." It was true; I normally had a good appetite unless I was stressed. And Sookie was always the one that brought that about.

"What time is Sophie-Anne back?"

"She finishes her shift at eight. And don't change the subject."

"I don't want to talk about it, Pam."

"Why not? Whatever it is it's obviously bothering you, and if you keep up that expression you'll get worry lines."

"I just don't."

"Stop being a child, Eric."

She crossed her arms and sat facing me. I knew that she was just as stubborn as I was, in fact probably more so as she could be spiteful with it.

"I'm waiting," she said after five minutes of silence.

I stood up and walked into the kitchen to grab a beer from the fridge. "Want one?" I shouted.

"Yes," she said from behind me, having followed me, her hand appearing on my back.

I pulled the two beers out of the fridge, twisted the tops off and gave her one of them. I sank down heavily at the kitchen table and started peeling the label off my beer.

"Sexually frustrated, Eric?" she asked with a knowing yet evil smile.

I ignored her comment, took a deep breath and told her. "I saw Sookie when I was out with Isabel earlier this afternoon."

"Wow. Sookie, Sookie?" I nodded. "I see the reason for the mood and the worry lines."

I didn't say anything. I had been so stunned at seeing her again that I hadn't been thinking clearly. I didn't think to ask what she was doing in Orange County – was she living there? She'd mentioned that the boys she left with were her friend's, did that mean that she was just visiting? I hadn't even thought to look to see if she was married or engaged. Instead, I had just let her leave and I didn't follow her. Again.

But she had looked so good. Better than I had even imagined. I'd kept a couple of pictures of her from the office party the year before where she had looked so stunningly beautiful in her red dress. That dress was almost obscene in the way it clung to her curves, and I knew I wasn't the only red-blooded male there who wanted her. At the time it had taken all of my known restraint and then some to not kick the shit out of my colleagues who argued between them which one of them was going to ask her out first. Of course, since I was married I was just called a lucky bastard for having her as my secretary, but none of them knew that I was the reason she was turning them away.

And I knew what a complete bastard I had been to her. I didn't deserve her. Some of those guys would have been good for her, they were single, at least. But I was selfish and I wanted her to be mine and I made sure that no one else got to date her.

"What is she doing here?" Pam asked gently, placing a hand on my arm.

"No idea. I didn't ask, and she wouldn't listen to me when I tried to talk about what happened."

"She probably saw that," Pam said, pointing to the wedding ring I was still wearing out of habit.

I twisted the ring off and placed it on the table, not planning to put it back on again.

"What do I do?"

"Do you want to find her?"

I swallowed thickly. "Yes." I took a deep breath to calm myself. "But I failed last time."

I had looked for Sookie after she left Shreveport, but there was no forwarding address with her landlord, and although I tracked down her brother in Bon Temps, all he could tell me was that she'd left her stuff with him with no indication of when she'd be back. Other than that, she had disappeared. I'd left a message with him to pass onto Sookie, but I had no idea whether he even did so, as I certainly never heard from her.

"Well, good thing you have me this time." Pam leaned in and placed a kiss on my head.

Pam wasn't good with computers, but her friend Bill Compton was a genius, apparently. I had to admit that I hated the guy when I first met him, but over time we'd actually come to be almost friends. Not quite friends, but almost there. He was a next-door neighbour of Pam's and I usually ended up seeing him whenever I came to visit.

"So, why do you want to find this woman?" Bill asked me. We'd waited until Sophie-Anne got back so she could be on babysitting duty while Pam led me next door to Bill's house.

"I … um …" I didn't quite know how to explain, or how much Bill knew of our affairs.

"He's in love with her," Pam told him bluntly. "In fact, he had an affair with her." She gave me a smug grin, knowing what the questions would be.

"You had an affair?"

I scowled at my ex-wife. She was enjoying this a little bit too much. "Can you find her?" I asked, avoiding his question.

"Probably. You say she is here at the moment, but you don't know whether she lives here or not."

"Correct."

"Okay."

I didn't know what he did, and to be honest, I wasn't sure I wanted to know, as I was sure it wasn't legal. And being a lawyer I generally tried to keep within the law. But I had my reasons this time, and I would do about anything to find her. I sat thinking about Sookie, while Pam texted Sophie-Anne things I didn't want to think about, and Bill pounded away on his keyboard at three times the speed that I could type.

"Here we are," he eventually said. "It's a good thing your girl has such a unique name. And she's cute as well."

"Let me see!" Pam exclaimed, suddenly showing interest. "He never would show me a picture of her."

From somewhere, Bill had found a picture of Sookie. She was as beautiful as ever, yet although she was smiling, there was a distinct sadness in her eyes.

"Even you could have found this, Northman," Bill shot at me. "She's working as a legal secretary for a large firm in New York and this is from the company's website," then he suddenly laughed. "Oh please tell me she was your secretary!" I did nothing, but Pam nodded. "You are such a fucking cliché!"

I took a deep breath to calm my anger. Punching his lights out wasn't going to help me find her.

"Anything else?" I said through gritted teeth.

Bill printed off a few documents and passed them to me. "That is her home address in New York, and that is her flight details. She flew from Newark to LAX a week ago, and she's due to fly back on the twenty-second." That was only two days away. "She rented a car while she's here, and this is the address she's said she is staying at." He pointed to the second page, which showed an address not too far from where Pam lived. I felt my heart surge into my mouth and my stomach bottom out.

"Breathe, big fella," Pam said from beside me and placed a hand on my back. I took a calming breath.

"You really are hung up on this girl aren't you?" Bill asked.

I simply nodded.

We paid our thanks to Bill, along with the promise that if he ever needed any legal assistance I'd give it to him for free. I had the feeling that with his hacking skills, he'd probably end up needing it.

"I'll come with you. Tomorrow." Pam informed me once we were back in her house.

"Pam … I'm not sure that –"

"Trust me. She only knows me as your wife, and it may be best coming from me. We'll go on my way to work. I start at eleven, so shall we leave at ten?"

"Sure."

Since both Pam and Sophie-Anne worked unusual shift patterns, they had a child-minder who was more than happy to work around them, and she would look after Isabel while I went to see Sookie.

"Try and get some sleep, yeah?"

I turned to Pam in the corridor as she leant against the doorjamb of her room. "I'll try. I feel nervous. What if she is married, or has a boyfriend, or isn't interested in seeing me?"

"Or is a lesbian?" Pam quipped.

"Not the time."

"Sorry. But can you live with yourself if you don't at least find out?"

That was an easy question to answer. "No."

"Well then. We'll be leaving at ten on the dot." She flicked her hair over her shoulder and sauntered into hers and Sophie-Anne's room. I went and checked in on Isabel before going to bed.

As expected, I didn't sleep.

.

**Sookie**

I felt really guilty that Amelia had been up half the night with me. She'd just come back from her weekend away with her husband, and she was confronted with me crying over the man I lost over five years ago. The man I'd never had any right to say was my own in the first place.

I had often envisioned what I would say if I ever met Pam. And I wouldn't have blamed her if she had chosen to smack the shit out of me. I know I would have if I had been married to a man such as Eric and he'd had an affair. But then I also knew that Eric was as much to blame for all this as I was. Sure, I shouldn't have been sleeping with a married man, but he was the one having an affair. I often wondered whether he confessed to her, or whether she found out. The fact that they were still married suggested that if she did know, they had managed to work through it.

I eventually pulled myself out of bed at eight in the morning, to find Amelia cooking breakfast for the boys. "I'm going to drop these two off at school in a minute. Why don't you take a long soak in the bath, you look like you need it." It was clear from her tone that she was not approving of the yoga pants and baggy t-shirt I'd changed into.

I did as she asked, and felt better after a long soak in the bath. I roughly dried my hair, leaving it down for the rest to dry naturally and spring into soft curls, and pulled on a cute yellow sundress.

"That's better," Amelia informed me when I made my way back into the kitchen. She handed me a large mug of steaming coffee and started preparing our breakfast of fresh fruit and fat-free natural yoghurt. She really had taken to the wealthy California lifestyle a little too much for my liking: going to the gym almost daily, and only allowing carbs or protein to pass her lips on certain days of the week.

"So. You're going back tomorrow, what shall we do?"

In all honesty I wanted to hide in the house, although I could be convinced to go out if Amelia promised we'd not stay in the local area. "I don't know. Beach maybe? You mentioned there were some great ones about thirty miles down the coast."

She sighed. "I see what you're doing, Sookie. You don't want to run the risk of seeing him again."

"Whatever gave you that idea?" I attempted a smile.

"Sookie…"

"I know, Meels, it's just … it's just hard, okay?"

"I know, hon. And okay, there is a great beach about an hour away that you will love. We'll leave at ten."

I smiled at her, and went back to my bedroom and packed a small bag to take to the beach. I had to admit that I was enjoying the beachside lifestyle that she had here, and probably before seeing Eric, I may have considered moving here. When I noticed it was ten o'clock and time to leave, I went in search of Amelia, but only to find her sitting on her bed amongst around twenty different bikinis and one-pieces and arguing on the phone. She gave me an apologetic look, and I left her in peace. I knew well enough that when she was talking to her dad on the phone, it was never a short call.

I decided to go out the front and sit on her porch swing. It reminded me of the one at my Gran's house in Bon Temps, and I made a decision that the next time I got any vacation time I was going to see Jason, Crystal and the kids and spend some time in Louisiana. At least if Eric was living in California there wouldn't be any chance of seeing him there, and if I was honest, that was the reason I hadn't visited Jason that often.

I was sitting flicking through a magazine when I saw a minivan pull up at the curb in front of Amelia's house. I didn't really take any notice as the car sat idling on the road, but the engine was turned off and two people got out. One of whom was Eric, and the other I recognised as his wife.

I had no idea how they found me, and I willed myself to turn and run into the house, but I was dumbfounded again at seeing him and my feet wouldn't engage further than standing up.

"Sookie," he said in a tone I couldn't place.

The look in his eyes was complicated, but it seemed that he was looking at me with such adoration. And I would have believed it if it wasn't for the fact that his wife was right next to him. My eyes flicked to her, and I watched her place an affectionate hand on his upper arm.

"Hi," my voice sounded so timid that I hardly recognised it.

"Can we talk?" he asked.

"How did you find me?"

He smiled a little. "Pam has some friends." I couldn't help but feel a little threatened by that. "Sookie?"

I fidgeted nervously where I was standing and looked back at the house. "Um … I can't. My friend, Amelia, she's … we're going to the beach. We should have left by now, and … um, she's just getting ready."

I was trying to avoid looking into his eyes, but a glimpse at his face showed such sorrow and pain. Disappointment, even.

"Sorry, Sooks. My fucking dad is …" she stopped mid-sentence as she came out of the house and saw me standing there with Eric and his wife. "I'm sorry, and you are?" I watched her as she looked between the two of them.

"I'm Pam, and this is Eric."

I saw the look of shock on my friend's face and she turned to me. "I was just explaining how we were about to be going to the beach." I begged Amelia with my eyes to go along with what I was saying.

"You two are fucking pathetic," Pam said out of nowhere, and all eyes snapped to her. "How the fuck you managed to have an affair together, I don't know."

I looked at her in shock. I had no idea how she could be quite so blasé about it all. And more to the point, why were they even here? If Pam knew about the history of Eric and me, why was she here with him? None of it made sense to me.

"Pam," Eric scolded, but I noticed his voice sounded defeated. "Let's just go." He grabbed at her arm to pull her in the direction they'd come and didn't meet my eyes.

"How about … no." Pam said, standing rooted to her spot. She turned to my friend. "I take it you're Amelia?" She nodded. "Do you have somewhere we can talk? I don't have long as I have to get to work, so we have to do this now."

"Sure, follow me." I noticed Eric giving Pam a sharp look, but she ignored him. Amelia led us into the living room, with Amelia and me on one sofa, and Eric and Pam on the other. "Drinks, anyone?" Amelia asked when no one said anything when we were seated. Everyone declined and Amelia sat back down, looking between us.

It was Pam that spoke first. "Firstly, Sookie, I'm going to tell you that I don't blame you for the affair. And to be perfectly honest, I don't really blame Eric either. I worked all hours under the sun – we both did – so we rarely saw each other." In all the times that I'd imagined meeting Pam, this was not how the conversation went.

"But I noticed a huge change in Eric when you left. At first I thought it was him reacting about me being pregnant, as I was certainly shocked about that. But I knew it was more than that. I have known Eric since we were teenagers. I guess you could say that this big oaf was my teenage sweetheart." Eric raised an eyebrow at her, but remained silent.

"We married too young when we were both still in college, and mostly to piss our parents off who swore that it wouldn't last past five years. We did manage that, in fact we lasted for ten." I noticed her use of the past tense. "But it wasn't until after Isabel was born that I confronted him on it. He seemed happy with being a dad, so I didn't know what the heartbreak was about.

"He confessed to having an affair with you, but that you had left when you found out I was pregnant. And I respect you for that, Sookie. I'm sure there are many women out there that wouldn't have had the decency to do so. But things had changed for me as well. While I was pregnant I was considered high-risk due to a previous blood clot I'd had, so was under the care of an OBGYN specialist. Long story short, I fell in love with her."

That had been unexpected, and I was sure that I sat with my mouth open staring at Pam. "You're surprised, I can tell," she said with a smile. "Eric wasn't though. When we were younger he used to find it hot that I liked naked women almost as much as he did. Maybe I was in denial, or maybe I hadn't met the right woman, I don't know. It just seemed right with her, and when Eric told me of your affair we called it quits and Sophie-Anne and I started a relationship.

"I'll always love Eric, he's been my best friend since we were kids, and I know he feels the same way about me. But in all honesty, we were probably just that – best friends that got married and had sex. Our parents saw it as a mistake, and they were right to. But what I do know, Sookie, is that he was in love with you. And probably still is." I sat there dumbfounded at Pam's revelation. She stood up and made a point of looking at her watch. "Look at the time! I've really got to go. Bye all!" she kissed Eric on his forehead and walked up to me. "It's nice to finally meet you, Sookie." She smiled and left the room.

"I … uh … I need to do some laundry." Amelia stood up, gave me a concerned look, and then walked out.

"I know for a fact that Amelia doesn't do her own laundry," I said to break the silence. Eric met my eyes and smiled a little.

"Do you …" he started before pausing. "Are you seeing anyone?" he was searching my eyes for an answer.

"No. I'm single." I didn't understand why he was asking, but I couldn't help to look at his left hand to see if his ring was still there. It wasn't.

He seemed to let out a sigh of relief. "Sookie, I'm so sorry for the way I treated you. For the way I treated Pam as well, although in the long run it hasn't affected that relationship."

"It's okay. It takes two to tango."

"It does, but I was grossly unfair to you. I wanted you so much; I loved you. But I was also so afraid of hurting Pam. She was my best friend, and I was such a coward. I promised you that I would leave her, and I never did." He hung his head in shame. "I don't blame you if you hate me. I do."

"I could never hate you, Eric."

"I tried to find you," he told me, the fire back in his eyes. "But you left no forwarding address. I even tracked down your brother, but he didn't know where you had gone. I left a message with him for you to call me, but when I never heard from you I assumed that you didn't want to know me."

Jason had never told me about that. Sure, I never told him about Eric, but I was fairly sure Eric isn't the type of man you forget easily. I was going to have words with Jason for failing to pass on that message.

"I tried to carry on, Sook," he had continued. "And I had a beautiful new daughter," he smiled at the mention of her. "Things with Pam and I were maybe a little difficult at first, but we'd always been best friends and we soon settled into a routine. I moved out of the house we shared and into an apartment a few blocks away, while Sophie-Anne moved in with her and I got to see Isabel all the time. But the pain wasn't from seeing Pam with someone else, it was that I had lost you."

I didn't know what to say. This was all a little bit too much information for me to handle all in one go. I still didn't doubt that I had done the right thing in leaving when I did, but if it all had come out earlier, things could have been so much simpler. And I may have had him as my own. But things weren't like that.

"Do you live here now?" I asked after a few minutes of silence.

"No, but Pam, Isabel and Sophie-Anne do. I still live in Shreveport, but I try to visit at least once a month when work allows."

"Okay."

"Arlene got sacked," he said out of the blue. I looked up and met his eyes. "She was found to be gossiping about one of the senior partners being a, quote, 'fairy'. Not the smartest move on her part to go up against a senior lawyer without any evidence for her gossip. Of course, it turns out it that he wasn't a fairy or gay, or whatever she was implying, and Arlene found herself with no job and an accusation of slander." I smiled having always thought that Arlene would land herself in trouble one day due to her big mouth. "My new secretary is Maud. She's around fifty years old, with grey hair and buckteeth. She's good at her job, but you were the best."

I could see a pleading in his eyes, but I didn't know what to do. "I live in New York, Eric. I have a life there. I have good friends, a great job, a great apartment…" I trailed off.

He sighed. "I made partner last year."

"Congratulations!" I knew that had always been his aim.

"Thanks. It's good, and it means I have more time and flexibility to come and visit Isabel here."

"I get that."

He ran his hand through his hair and clenched at it. "I'm sorry, Sookie."

"Don't be. I enjoyed what we had."

His face dropped and he met my gaze. "Past tense?"

"Yes." Forgive me, I didn't say.

"Can we not try to make this work? To see each other again?"

"I'm sorry, Eric." I didn't know how to explain it to him, but I couldn't. I wasn't sure I could even explain it to myself, considering the man had constantly been on my mind for the last five years and three months.

He dropped his eyes and clenched his jaw. He stood up, handing me a card with his details on and his phone number and address on the back. "You know where I am."

"Goodbye, Eric." I stood up and placed a kiss on his cheek. He stopped for a beat, his eyes were begging me to stop him from leaving. But I couldn't. We were living in different states now; we had separate lives.

"You're an idiot," Amelia announced after only a few seconds of Eric leaving. She had obviously been listening in, but I couldn't find the energy to be angry with her. "Stop him!"

"Meels, I can't."

"Why the fuck not? You've been moping over that man for five years, and now that he's single and interested, you're pushing him away!"

"I can't explain it. I just … I just know it'll be better if we're not together."

She gave me an exasperated look. "You're unbelievable. You have a chance of happiness, but you're too goddamn stubborn to take it. You deserve to be miserable, but I hope he moves on and finds someone who will deserve him."

I was taken aback by my friend's tirade, and neither one of us spoke to each other for the remainder of my trip, with Tray and the boys acting as referees between us.

In truth, I couldn't give a real reason of why I hadn't jumped straight into Eric's arms. He was single, and he was the only man I had ever loved. But I suppose I had my concerns, and I knew how much Eric was able to hurt me, so I took the easy way out and pushed him away.

.

**Eric**

After walking back to Pam's, and stopping at the liqueur store to pick up a couple of bottles of Tennessee's finest, I barricaded myself in Pam's spare room. My daughter didn't need to see me like this, and she had her nanny with her. Of course, I may have been able to avoid Isabel, but avoiding Pam wasn't so easy.

"I'm sorry, Eric," she said as she crept into my room after her twelve hour shift and curled up in my arms like she used to. "Did you at least give her your details?"

"Yes. I keep on staring at my phone, but it won't ring."

"You tried."

"I know. Not that it did any good."

"For the record, I think she's deceiving herself as much as she's deceiving you. I saw how she looked at you. That girl is in love with you still."

"Not helping, Pam."

"Maybe she just needs some time. It's a lot to take in. You had months if not years to deal with it all. She's had less than twenty-four hours."

"I hope so."

.

But that didn't seem to be the case as three months later, I had still not heard from her. Pam had told me that she'd since seen Sookie's friend Amelia who had said that she'd tried to convince her friend to call me. But if she wouldn't listen to her friend, then it was clear that she had decided she didn't want to know me.

I just wished that I had been as able to switch off the feelings I felt for her as she had done to me.

Instead, and like before, I threw myself into work. Pam, along with my parents, tried to tell me how unhealthy I was being, as I quite often went days without eating properly and I had lost weight. It had even got to the point where Pam had enlisted Maud to take me a hearty meal each lunchtime, although I never ate it all. I was aware I was being pathetic in moping over her, but I had a legitimate chance to be with her, and she'd rejected me. And I had to admit that it hurt.

But I tried to carry on as normal and not let people know how shit I felt. Things were good work-wise and in the partners meetings I'd heard that the practice was expanding, and employing new lawyers as well as new secretaries and other staff, and senior partner Niall Brigant had hired a new secretary as his old one had retired.

"Lucky fucker," I heard one of my colleagues said to another while I was in the restroom. "And I bet Northman's kicking himself. I'm sure he was always hot for her."

"Can't blame him," the other one said. "I'm going to enjoy me some of her."

"Unlikely. I'm sure she'd prefer a man _with_ hair."

I walked out of the stall to wash my hands. John Quinn and Alcide Herveaux were the ones gossiping like old women. "Talk of the devil," Quinn sneered as I made myself known.

"What?"

"Have you not heard who is back?" Herveaux asked me. When I didn't answer he continued. "Sookie Stackhouse. She's taken the position as Brigant's legal secretary." I felt like the wind had been knocked out of me.

"But you're stuck with Maud," Quinn laughed, obviously not noticing my reaction when he mentioned her name.

"She always was good at her job," I said diplomatically.

Both of the men laughed and walked out of the bathroom, and I took the time to splash some cold water on my face. This was certainly unexpected, but what did it mean? For her, being the top man's legal secretary really was a step-up, and she'd obviously done well for herself. But what did it mean? Or was I just thinking too much into it.

Over the next few days I got very little sleep. I spent most of my time in my office, and even started to neglect basic functions such as shaving. I certainly hadn't eaten much since learning Sookie was back.

But she hadn't tried to contact me. Not even an email to say 'hi'.

Being Brigant's secretary meant that she worked on the floor above me, but I heard in passing from the other girls that she'd been around. It seemed she'd seen everyone except me.

"Northman!" a voice at my door shouted, and in walked Damon Cataliades, another of the senior partners. "Are you not attending the partners' meeting?"

In honesty, I hadn't realised that it was Wednesday. I was unshaven and I hadn't eaten for at least thirty-six hours. "Sorry, I forgot what day it was."

"You look a mess," Damon kindly told me. He was always one of the nicer lawyers that worked in the office, and had been the one to take me on as a junior. He handed me my jacket, which was thrown haphazardly over the back of one of the chairs, along with a comb to run through my tangled hair. "Working hard?" he asked as we took the stairs up one floor to the executive level.

"Something like that."

"Nice of you to join us," Niall Brigant commented, giving me a stern look as I entered the boardroom and took my seat. I mumbled my apologies before looking up and meeting Sookie's startled eyes. I had completely forgotten that as his secretary she would be attending these meetings. "I'd like everyone to meet my new secretary, Sookie Stackhouse. Of course, some of you will remember her from working here before, but she had a successful time in New York, and had now moved back to Shreveport for personal reasons." I felt a kick to the gut at that news. She had obviously met someone else. "I'd like everyone to make her feel welcome."

I didn't meet her eyes for the rest of the meeting, taking notes instead and trying my best to listen intently to what Niall was saying. Yet I wasn't sure how much of the meeting I was able to take in. Her presence there was intoxicating, and I felt like I couldn't breathe with her in the room. At the end of the two-hour meeting, Niall asked me to join him in his office.

"Drink?" Niall asked as he offered me a seat in the chair opposite him and lifted a bottle of expensive whiskey.

"No thanks." I had drunk a little bit too much in the days after last seeing Sookie, and Pam had had some serious words with me.

"What is wrong with you?" Niall asked bluntly.

"Nothing, sir."

He leaned back in his leather chair and regarded me. "I know that you've been working ninety hour weeks recently, and much as I appreciate your dedication, you're running yourself into the ground. You look a mess."

"Sorry," I muttered.

"This isn't like you, Eric. You never used to be like this, and I appreciate there are additional stresses of being a partner, but you are starting to look unwell. In fact, you look like shit right now."

I felt it as well. During the meeting I'd felt decidedly dizzy. Yes, I'd been trying my all to avoid staring at Sookie, but it was more than that.

"Eric?" I heard the concern in his voice and I looked up. "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine," I said standing up. Or attempting too, anyway. As soon as I did find my feet, the world seemed to spin away from me and I ended back down in the chair.

"Sookie," I heard Niall shout from somewhere. "Call 911."

"No," my disembodied voice shouted. "I will just go home."

I tried once more to stand, managing it this time, but only to come face to face with Sookie. She looked scared at seeing me, and I tried to push past her, but I only fell over my feet and seemed to land in her arms.

"Sshhh, Eric, it's okay, I've got you. You're going to be okay."

.

That was the last thing I heard before waking up in a hospital bed with Pam glaring down at me.

I tried to say something, but my mouth was parched. Pam handed me a cup of water, which I drank down in one. "You're a fucking idiot," she snapped at me once I had finished drinking. "You told me you were okay."

"I am," I said defiantly.

She narrowed her eyes. "Okay people don't collapse from hypoglycaemia, dehydration and exhaustion. Were you even eating at all? You're a big man, Eric; you've lost at least twenty pounds since I last saw you. You need to look after yourself."

"Pam, don't." She scowled at me. "Why are you even here?" That she was here told me I had been out for some time.

"Sookie called me."

That got my attention. "What?"

She sighed. "Eric, you were carted off by paramedics. She was scared, and got my number from Amelia." I hadn't realised that her and Amelia had become friends. "She stayed here last night by your bedside, and only left a few hours back because I told her to."

"What? Why?"

"Why do you think?" she glared at me. When I didn't answer her, she told me anyway. "Because she moved back to Shreveport for you."

"Funny way of showing it," I muttered under my breath.

"Hey," a small voice said from the door of the room. Pam spun around and I could see that Sookie was standing there.

"I'm going to leave you both to it," she said in a scolding manner. "How about you both talk."

Neither one of us said anything as Pam exited the room. "How are feeling?"

"I'm fine."

She smiled. "In all fairness, you said that before you lost consciousness."

"Sookie –"

"Eric –"

We both started speaking at the same time. "Please, go ahead," she said.

I composed myself briefly before meeting her eyes. "You don't have to be here, Sookie. I know that I fucked up with you. I shouldn't have treated you the way I did. I was a selfish and greedy bastard, and you deserve so much more than that. All I can say is that I'm sorry, and I'll stay out of your way."

I felt a tear form in my eye, and I wiped it away quickly. When I finally plucked up the courage to look at Sookie I could see the tears pouring down her cheeks.

"I was so scared, Eric. You looked like shit in that meeting, and it was my fault. And when you collapsed … I have never been so frightened in my life. I came here for you. And I am so fucking sorry that it took me so long to work my shit out. I just … I don't even have an excuse. You were offering me everything I ever wanted but I was too goddamn stubborn.

"I have never wanted anything but you. I remember the first time I saw you; you were the most gorgeous man I had ever seen, but so kind and caring with it. You made me feel welcome, and by the end of my first week I was completely in love with you. I never thought anything would ever happen between us, but I knew what I was getting myself into. I knew you were married, and although I felt guilty at what we were doing, it just felt so right to be with you." She wiped away her tears.

"And I am sorry I didn't come to you earlier this week. Things have been busier than I expected, and I had plans to take you out on Friday night. I knew after the way I left things in California that I had no right to expect anything from you, but I hoped that we could at least be friends."

"Why did you come back?" I asked, not quite sure whether I could believe what Pam had told me.

"Because I love you."

It was so simple, just four words, but they meant so much. "I love you too," I sobbed, grasping at her and pulling her tightly into my arms. She planted her lips firmly on mine and I kissed her like my life depended on it.

"Hungry, Eric?" Came a voice from the door, which I tried my best to ignore, but Sookie obviously wasn't so comfortable kissing me in front of my ex-wife and pulled back.

"Yes, Pam?"

"I thought you might both like the heads up that your boss has been spotted in these halls." I stiffened, and looked to Sookie. I wasn't going to do another secret relationship with her again, and if it meant I had to quit the practice and set up elsewhere so that I could be with her, I would do.

"It's okay," Sookie said, placing a small hand on my cheek. "He knows. Everything actually. Smart man, is Niall. He guessed that the reason I left in the first place was because of you, and the reason I was coming back was also because of you. And he's fine with it."

I let out a sigh of relief, and the man in question appeared at the door. Pam once again excused herself, and Niall came in.

"Good to see you looking better. You gave us quite a scare."

"Sorry. I wasn't looking after myself very well."

"Well, I can see you two seem to have made up. I want you to take at least a week off, Eric. I don't want to see you in the office until a week on Monday. If not, I'll set that ex-wife of yours on you." I pretended to be scared. "Seriously, Eric, look after yourself. You're one of my best lawyers and I don't want you to burn out. Look after him, Sookie, I will see you on Monday."

"You don't need me tomorrow?" It was Thursday, so she should have been working the next day.

"Take a personal day; I can see that you two need it."

Later that day I was discharged and ordered to eat well, drink lots of water and take it easy. Pam had thankfully returned back to California, and I was left under Sookie's expert care.

"Pam really cares for you, doesn't she?" Sookie asked once we were back at the house I'd bought after Pam and I sold our marital home.

"She does. It was why I never wanted to hurt her."

"I guess I can see that. She's nothing like I expected. I suppose that I always imagined she'd want to kill me for having an affair with you. I know I would."

I sighed. "I may have cheated once, Sookie. But I am not like that, I promise you. The circumstances were different; I hardly ever saw her, and in honesty we were probably just friends that had married rather than lovers who were best friends. And you, I fell in love with you and it made me question everything I had with Pam." I took her hand in mine. "Sookie, if you'll be mine, I'll be yours forever. Hell, I'm yours anyway."

She smiled. "I'm definitely yours."

I'd have happily made love to her then, but I was aware that we probably had more to talk about, and she wasn't willing to over-exert me. Personally, I just remembered how good we were together, and I was desperate to reconnect.

And we did reconnect. Things were actually much easier than I expected them to be, and we soon fell into an easy routine. Things were initially a little awkward in work, particularly when people made the (correct) assumption that we had been having an affair the first time around, and fucktards like John Quinn tried to convince her that I wasn't any good for her. But it was probably better that she wasn't my secretary, and we even christened most of the furniture in my office – something we hadn't dared to do the first time around.

The hardest thing was being away from Isabel, but Sookie and I visited often, and on those rare weekends off, Pam and Sophie-Anne would come with Isabel and visit us in Shreveport. I even married her after a year together, with Pam as my 'best-man'. And she remained my best friend. We'd talk often when she wasn't working, and I she remained my confident and agony aunt for those times when I needed someone else to talk to.

But Sookie was what I needed, and I hoped that I was everything she needed. We made a point of being honest and open with each other, as we both knew what problems secrets could cause. And all was as it should have been. Pam was happy with Sophie-Anne, and I was happy with Sookie. And Isabel had four parents who loved her dearly. And a younger brother. And sister.

I was a happy man indeed, and this time there was no guilt.

* * *

><p><strong>I'd love to know any thoughts or comments.<strong>

**And also – True Blood? So happy it is back! **


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